Round 2

Writers Write

Naughty Spirit Guides – Or Fairies

on October 31, 2015

I’ve known my older siblings were nuts for years, but they have the most interesting, annoying, and loudest ways of reminding me of this fact on a regular basis. My middle sister has two personality modes: happy or pissed. There is no middle ground. My eldest sister tries to be calm, but she always has to be right, or at least have an opinion – a very strong opinion – about everything. And she just loves getting the other one worked up. The more the two talk, the louder they become. They could be 20-feet apart on the same floor and they’re shouting while claiming to others that they’re simply having a gentle discussion. If I happen to be in the same area, I’m often between them and my hearing pays for it. My pleas of “You don’t have to yell” create the slightest reprieve before the volume shoots back up. The convos can be about anything, but they’re always greeted with audibly offensive passion. The latest issue? Spirit guides. Help. Me.

OK. We’re partially Cherokee, but we were raised Christian-light. My eldest sis went all woo-woo, however, after she became an adult. She married into a German-Catholic family and turned her deceased ex-hub all woo-woo, too. They raised their son to be woo-woo. What I mean by this is that she and her kiddo follow Cherokee beliefs and lifestyles. And that’s just fine… whatever floats your boat. No one’s against it, but we weren’t raised with the beliefs so most of us haven’t chosen to follow them in adulthood. But she’s tried her damnedest to push it off on the rest of the family – and that just doesn’t fly. I don’t care if we’re between 28% and 65% Cherokee (depending on who one asks – and most of us know better that to open that can). Yes, we’ve gone to pow-wows and bought her wares to support her but that’s where it ends. For most of us. Until she starts on the spirit guide woo-woo crap that has somehow convinced my other sister that her house is haunted.

I found this out due to mid sis screaming the other day over a missing cupcake pan. It’s one of several missing items of late that “must have been taken out of the house or purposely hidden since they aren’t in their right places”. Even though sis isn’t known for her organizational skills. But the final demand of “YOU BETTER TELL HER TO MOVE HER GHOST ASS, RETURN MY SHIT, AND GO HAUNT YOUR SON” made me run downstairs to find out what the hell was going on. Supposedly one of our ancestors is being naughty. Again.

Oh, it gets better.

My sibs and I have always been close. While my eldest sis and I grew apart as adults, we both grew even closer to our mid sis who bridged the gap to keep us all connected. At one point or another in our adult lives, we’ve lived with each other on a temporary basis due to life issues or healing from a bad or dangerous relationship. My family is incredibly loyal and if life kicks your ass, sibs help out until the bruises heal. We’ve all taken turns helping each other. The sib I’m living with now lived with our eldest sib for many years after leaving an abusive marriage. That’s where she “met” our great-great-great (3g) grandmother… who happened to be dead and “chose” my eldest sib to be her spirit guide.

And here’s where the eye rolling commenced on my end the other day to shouts of “it’s TRUE!” Right then. So while mid sis was living with eldest sis, 3g grandma decided to be ornery… because they do that and all. Seems the silly previous matriarch liked chocolate and when mid sis didn’t share it with her, she decided to play with her… by destroying her room. Mid sis explained how she walked in her bedroom and saw pictures flying off of the dresser and across the room. The floor shook and various other items fell off of shelves. Well, like any sane person, I suggested a random earthquake when she told me this, but no… sis ran downstairs screaming that the house was haunted and everyone needed to get out NOW! Eldest sis just laughed and said that it was just 3g grandma being silly because mid sis didn’t share her mocha with her. No, I’m not kidding.

Oh, but there’s more.

Supposedly eldest sib’s spirit guide wanted a food offering because they eat, too. So mid sis left a mocha in the spirit food offering section of the kitchen, went to the living room with the rest of the household, and let the spirit do whatever she needed to do. A good hour passed, and no one had left the living room. Well, mid sis went into the kitchen and remembered she left the coffee there. She checked on it and – it was half gone.

Now, here’s where my mouth started:

“Maybe she had mice?”

  • Nope.

“OK, a dog could have lapped it up. She had two dogs.”

  • Too high for the pups.

“That’s something Steve *deceased bro-in-law* would have done to mess with you. He left the room, walked in the back, sneaked in the back door and drained the cup.”

  • Nope… he was watching TV the entire time.

“Then someone else did.”

  • ONA! It was the spirit!

Alright. I was about ready to chalk it up to them being loony before eldest sis said:

“O, what did little grandma say to you right before she died?”

  • Whatcha mean?

“Our grandma. Mom’s mom. What did she say – just to you?”

  • You’re my angel in life and I’ll be your angel in death. And I was like ‘OK, grams, you rest’.

“And what is she to you now?”

  • She’s my guardian angel. But that’s different.

“How so?”

  • Because she doesn’t talk to me! She doesn’t ask for food or take my shit!

“And your dreams? What about your ex?”

  • OK, so what if grams visited me in my dreams to chat and offer suggestions on how to handle certain things in my life. She’s not my “spirit guide” she’s my guardian…

Both sisses: “SHE’S YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE! She just visits you differently because she knows you’d freak the fuck out otherwise.”

So you’re saying all of these – guides or whatever – can just roam around and go from house to house when they’re bored?

Eldest sis: “Yep! In fact, it could be Steve. He’d be our grandson’s guide.”

Mid sis: “I was going to say that! STEVE! IF YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME, YOU’RE GONNA BE SO GLAD YOU’RE DEAD!”

Me: Have you considered fairies are taking your shit?

They just glared at me, laughed, and told me to shut it.

And that’s when I had to leave the room. Not because they were driving me completely mad so much, but because hiding shit to drive my middle sister insane IS something my dead brother-in-law would have done!

I still think she probably misplaced her muffin tin and someone either broke or walked out of the house with her missing coffee cup. But if this place is being haunted by a mischievous previous family member, I’m just fine with not being a part of it. But I am looking forward to the house being smudged on Tuesday. You know, just to clear the negative ions and… right then.

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