Round 2

Writers Write

Ah, Moody Christmas!

Happy Fricking Holidays to all, and may no one die due to being a complete asshole at the wrong time.

Yep. That about sums up the week in Ona Land. In all fairness, it’s really not my fault. I mean, is it ever? Don’t answer that. Point is, it’s not this time.

Last night was “family night”. *Squee*. Yes, I just.. hush. It was the second time I’ve been around my entire family since I moved back to the states. Not bad considering I’ve been here for almost 3 months. Oh! But there will be at least two more family get-togethers before that 3 month date hits, which will total at least 4 family get-togethers I will have attended since moving back here. And thus far, no one’s died. But two almost did last night. Note: BAD idea to fuck with me on my moody days during hell week.

So.. holiday family time means everyone who actually likes my mother, or at least loves someone who likes my mother, congregates at her home so she feels like the matriarch she is and the whole big, loverly, German family shit gets to happen. Oh, and we do the whole deal. Fourteen people gather around the tiny decorated living room. Ma shops for weeks before and plans enough to feed an army. She loads a long table as kids run around. Adults talk, laugh, and eat. And eat, and eat. And DRINK. And eat some more.

People get loud. Rude words get spoken. And that’s all fine and dandy when it’s blood family. We know the boundaries. It’s real simple. The sisters can call each other bitches. The men can call each other dick or asshole, act like they’re in love with each other.. yeah, my family’s weird. Ma gets a playful mouth when she drinks. Finger flipping is fine… away from tiny eyes. Calling your wife/fiance/girlfriend a bitch.. what? Calling my mother a fucking idiotic bitch.. WHAT??!!!

I didn’t give a rat’s ass what happened, or who said it. It happened as I was opening the bathroom door and I was in the back room with a glare so deadly it scorched the fucker’s retinas. He swallowed and lowered his head as my nephew ran to me and pushed me out of the room saying, “It’s OK, Aunt O, it’s OK. I got this. BREATHE AUNT O!”

Yeah, I get I’ve been away for 11 years. Some things don’t change. You don’t get to enter this crazy, emotionally charged, overbearing, boisterous, incredibly loving, LOYAL AS FUCK family and then disrespect my mother in HER HOME, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I don’t care if you’re sleeping with my niece! YOU CAN BE REPLACED! And no one will find your body.

But I calmed.. out of respect for my mother. She ignored his rude ass, but someone told her I was about to rip his head off. She called me into the kitchen, rubbed my back, and thanked me for being on her side. Well, duh. She’s my mom. I don’t play that game. The problem is, the guys in the family just LOVE this asshole. And my son considers him one of his best friends, which is why he surprised me a few hours later. But it just goes to prove I raised my boy right.

We went to an outdoor light show. It was lovely and festive. We all had a ball. Well, asshole decided to stop in front of me as I was walking and pretended he was going to slap my face. I looked up at him, stopped just short of his hand and punched his arm. My son, however, came out of nowhere. He must have seen it late, too. Or maybe he didn’t like what he saw at all. I saw nothing but arms. He tackled the guy and put him in a HARD headlock. The guy could barely breathe. All I heard was “Dude, playing.. she already.. hit.. me!” I said “OH, that hit was just for the thought of touching me!” My kid let go when he realized I was watching and the guy nodded really fast, not making eye contact. My kid kept his eyes locked on him. He said, “You’re one of my best friends, man. But don’t fuck with my mom. EVER!” The guy just nodded and actually apologized.

Kiddo told the guy he’s gotta have more respect for the women in this family if he intends on remaining a part of it. The guy said, “Well, I do respect your mom. It’s HER mom I have a problem with.” My eyes raised. He met them and said “She hates me.” I said “Bullshit. My ma doesn’t hate anyone. She hates disrespect. Show her some consideration, respect her home and family, and all will be fine.” Annnnd he started again..

“Bullshit! She lost her shit over something she had no business losing her shit over and blah, blah, blah, fucking bitch, blah, blah, I mean, sorry – no offense.”

My son had his head in his hands at that point and I was in the guy’s face. “No offense? Are you stupid. Wait. Don’t answer that. Idiotic question. Must run in the family.

My son laughed and turned away saying, “Oh, good luck!”

I continued. “You are a guest in this family. UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF AS A MAN, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE! And right now, you have a lot to prove. I know how my mother can be. But she deserves respect. You fucked up at her house and she called you on it. We’re firecrackers when we’re mad, but we forgive fast and try to move on with the people we love – most of us anyway. And if you can’t or won’t accept responsibility for your part, let shit go, and give proper respect, then get the fuck out. Now. Because it won’t get any easier if you keep being an asshole. And if you don’t love my niece enough to respect her and the women in her family, then at least make damn sure I never hear that shit again. Because there WILL be trouble.”

I don’t even know what he said, but he wasn’t looking at me. That rant may or may not have been fueled by other things. Point is, it needed to pop. Right then. When I finished my rant, I noticed my son beside me shaking from laughter and staring at the guy. As I walked away, I heard him say, “Well, you brought it upon yourself. I DID warn you!”

Later, we all went to dinner together. As the family piled into adjoining tables, I felt someone staring at me. I looked up and noticed the guy’s eyes boring into me. So I joined him. You want games? Bring it on, fucker. We stared for probably 40 seconds before he looked away like the pussy he is. He tried twice more and repeated the result. Yeah, good luck trying to intimidate me in my family, you fucking piece of scum. I’ve had 44 years of Olympic-style training against contenders with whom he couldn’t dream of competing. But adorable effort.

Meanwhile, Christmas should be fun lol! Merry, merry to all!

**Oh, I mentioned 2 people almost died. Right. My sister chose the wrong time to pretend to smack me on the forehead. My son had to hold me back from knocking her down a flight of steps. And I’m the calm one in the family. At that point, my ma just lost it and yelled “Will everyone please stop touching her already?!!” Thankfully, it seems as though I’m finished with my moody days for hell week. Right then. Happy holidays!