Round 2

Writers Write

I Hate Rollercoasters

The last couple months have been so crazy. My moods have been everywhere. Finally, I’m back where I belong – with people who really love me. REALLY love me. See, I’ve realized something in my 44 years on this planet. Love saves. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve stayed away. It doesn’t matter what demons you cast upon yourself. If someone TRULY loves you, love saves.

Everyone needs that damn four letter word. Everyone deserves it. And therein lies the rub. Not everyone is willing to let it in, to let it repair the damage. That sucks. I know this first hand because I believed I was unworthy of love for a long time. That belief made me absolutely miserable. It sent me in the wrong life direction. It made me marry the wrong man. It made me die a little every day. But when I finally pulled my HEAD OUT OF MY ASS and realized I was worthy, I found the real deal. And then… well, he’s lost. He’s where I was. And I can’t save someone who won’t meet me halfway. I need to be saved sometimes, too. I guess I’ll just have to do that myself, though, because I DO believe in real love. I believe in that all encompassing healing force that can make miracles happen if you just don’t give up. I’m damn sure not giving up on myself again, even if someone else chooses to and can’t manage to love me for who I am. I wasted too many years on that bullshit – half of my life to be exact.

As for romance, one day someone will love me the way he needs to. I know he’s out there. Somewhere. And he’ll find me because he’ll have no choice. He won’t be complete until he does. And he’ll come to ME, damn it. Until then, however, I’ll just continue loving myself. I can be enough. I’m not too far gone for that. I’ll never be gone like that again.


New Beginnings

So much has happened in the past month. My head’s starting to spin again, but it’ll calm. It has to. Why? Because today is – wait for it – moving day! I didn’t know how I’d feel about this a few weeks ago. I mean, I knew things were over a LONG time before that was vocalized. And I was fine with it. But I’ve been known to have insane mood flops, so I waited…expecting…something. And I figured that something might be pretty bad.

Shocker. Nothing happened. There’s no mopey nostalgia, no wistful regrets, and most importantly, no anger. I really thought I’d be PISSED! Oh, I was pissed. Aaaand I may have had a *bit* too much fun with revenge. We’ll just leave that there. But I’m not mad anymore, at anyone. I had a headache last night, so I know he thought I was mopey. But I don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks. A headache’s just fine.

When I left my first marriage, I was an emotional wreck. I was still a wreck when I remarried. But I ran away from all of my attachments – just left them in a cloud of dust. To hell with them, right? Well, they waited. They knew one day I’d need them. One day I’d come back and be happier, healthier, and ready to start anew. And this is the day.

Oh, I have plenty to slam soon-to-be-ex with, and that was my intention. But at this point, I don’t think I’m even going to waste time with the planned final epic blow out. I mean, why even bother? Why get myself all worked up and high strung right before walking into the open arms of people who actually do love me? Oh, I’ll still tell him I know what he’s done. And if he flops or stalls on the divorce, I’ll stuff his ass with hot coals. But I won’t say it in an overly aggressive way. See? Exactly. Fucking zen!

Work is going well, and I may even have an unexpected friend in the works. I love finding unexpected friends. My ex husband’s girlfriend of over a decade emailed me last week. She and I had some trouble right after ex and I split. It got pretty nasty. But she’s been really good to my boy since he’s been staying with them. That just wiped all the bullshit away. Well, ten years worth of growing the hell up helped a lot. But still. Be good to my boy and you’re aces.

I emailed her and thanked her for accepting him so graciously into her home and family life shortly after kiddo settled. She responded last week. She insisted it’s a joy having him there and went on and on about what a wonderful mother I am for raising such a polite and caring young man. She told me she respects me and her fondest wishes are for her to learn some parenting tips from me and for us to be friends. Her words of “Please come over and visit us a lot. I’d love to finally become good friends. I know it may be uncomfortable for you at first. But I really respect you so much, and I just want to bask in the glow of the woman who raised such a loving human being. I know exactly which part of the tree he fell from, and I want to know her.”

After catching my breath from laughing, I responded very nicely and adult-like. See? I can behave. There’s still no response, though, so I may not have behaved as well as I thought I did. But it’ll be fine. Really. Just fine. I think.

Today: Well, I have a few work requests, but they have extended deadlines to allow for the move. I love my clients. So screw work today. Probably. I still have to finish packing the final few things and primp just enough to avoid looking like walking death after the ten+ hour ride back home.

New beginnings. Gotta love ’em. Or something.

Leave a comment »