Round 2

Writers Write

Have a Matrifocal Day!

I woke up in a crappy mood. Kiddo’s gone and hub’s working today. I don’t care about the latter, and kiddo would just be working anyway if he were here. But my mind was burning before I got out of bed. Not talking to the boy for 4 days hasn’t helped. Well, he hasn’t called, period (his phone’s a mess), but we were texting on Facebook until recently. I get he’s busy and his dad is financially unstable, among other things. So when I’m cognitive, I’m not worried about that. But when I checked Facebook this morning and there was nothing – no message, no wall post…nothing…I got pissed. Not one year has gone by that I haven’t handed him my cell phone and said “Call your father. It’s Father’s Day”, or his birthday, or whatever. Hub insisted my mind was just being evil again and I needed to breathe, as he made breakfast. That was nice. But I was still irrationally pissed or hurt. Whatever. And then while washing breakfast dishes, the following happened:

Hub: Hun? Your boy posted the following on your wall…

“Happy mothers day, mom! Thinking about you all the time. Enjoy your day, you deserve it for all the amazing things that you do. Your love for me has never ceased. Your baby boy is a man now, thanks to your loving care. So today, and all days, I love you, mom.”

My shoulders buckled, I sobbed, and turned away from hub’s prying stare…because I can NOT stand being watched when the tears start. Instead, I grabbed a tissue, nodded, and muttered I’d reply in a bit. Hub smiled and turned away like a good boy.

As he left for work, I logged onto fb and found the following instead of the original message:

“Happy Mothers Day, mom! Thinking about you all the time. Enjoy your day, you deserve it. Tryyyy to relax, I know how you are. So today, and every day, I love you, mom.”

My email says they posted within minutes of each other. So kiddo meant the first one; but he decided it was too girly and posted the second one instead to prove he’s a “man”. And I’m fine with that because I have BOTH saved in my inbox. And that’s enough to make this day pretty special…even though it’s just a typical day on my end.

To all who know or have amazing kids who continually surprise you and pull you out of irrational, moody-ass funks, may your day be matri-fabulous!

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Alive and…Well, Alive Anyway.

*Peeks in*

I know, I know, it’s been awhile. But I had to wait to post. Well, I guess I didn’t *have* to, but it made more sense to…and then I just got lazy. It happens. Kiddo left Monday. He’s been close to 700 miles away for almost 5 days now. The past couple months were weird. I was on and off emotionally, but I didn’t really believe he was leaving until the week prior to his departure. Tears didn’t start, however, until the end of his final week here. And REAL tears (*bawling*) didn’t occur until he grabbed me, hugged, and cried first. I tried to be strong, and I would have succeeded if he hadn’t said “Ma, I really wish you could move back with me.” Yep, that did it.
 
I planned for this..knew he was leaving. And no, I wasn’t “fine”, but I accepted it. I’m proud of him and know this is what he needs to begin his adult life. We’ve had 21 years together. And when you home school your kid, work at home, and have never spent more than a week apart, you tend to need a break eventually. This is good for both of us. But I miss him…so much. I’m tough, though. I’m not the type of person who curls up in a ball and cries it out in the corner. I internalize too much shit. SO I’ve stayed busy. I’ve started freelance writing, I’m working out again, trying to keep up on some extra house work, and then I spend the evenings avoiding arguing with hub. If that means half of the night I’m pretending to watch Netflix and the rest of the night I’m reading and walking the dog, so be it. I’m making a hell of an effort not to attack hub emotionally for being an insensitive jack hole. And so far, so good. If I had anyone around to make a wager about it lasting beyond the month, I believe I’d be out of some money. But I AM trying.
 
Kiddo said before he left that we’d talk “all the time” and that “nothing would change”. Well, that’s bullshit. We’re already not talking all the time. He’s busy with extended family and friends. And of course things have changed and will continue to do so. That’s life. I nodded when he said the words and kept my mouth shut like a good girl. I know he adores me and I refuse to let my deep-seated insecurities take this personally. I’ve had him almost every day for 21 freaking years. Others deserve his attention for awhile.
 
I won’t see him again for a year or two. That’ll be hard. But we both have major goals to achieve. He’s already said that he wants to take me back permanently with him when he visits again. Well, that won’t happen unless I meet my goals first. My family apparently wants me to come back, too. This shocked me. I haven’t seen them in a decade and I get they’ve missed me (and yes, it’s mutual), but they’re not typically emotional like that. Maybe he’ll be a good influence on them.
 
Time will tell if I can dodge life shit for the next couple years and actually make progress for a change. But I’m gonna give it one hell of a shot. Go optimism!

 

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